You Are Not Single

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You probably already know that I use social media to reach part of my audience. One day while updating my Face Book profile, I saw the relationship status prompt. Mine was single, as usual and seeing this caused a twinge of discomfort, as usual. This time, I decided to pay attention to my feelings. I did this by exploring my discomfort. This is what I found:

• Single means alone…a single rose, single word, single person.

• I was uncomfortable with the label because I did not feel alone.

• To quote a character in The Women of Brewster Place, I had myself.

• I realized that none of us are single.

Armed with the previous insight, this is what I did:

• Claimed my power by choosing the label that was mine.

• Lived my power by changing my status from single to in a relationship.

While we are focused on all of the many external relationships that we have or want to have, how often do we even think about our internal relationship? That is, the relationship we have with self. Following Ready, Set, Date required that we pay some attention to our internal relationship, but my guess would be that this is a neglected area. Humans are by nature externally focused and we build relationships with others from this frame of reference. We diligently search for friends, lovers, communities of people all while we ignore the connection within.

In addition, while we search for our other half, we often wear the scarlet S for single with shame. Only when we think our search has ended do we gladly discard the S for the coveted Y for yoked. Once yoked to the love of our lives, we expect to live happily ever after. We are totally surprised, depressed and lost when our love becomes just another statistic. In case you have been under a rock in the back of a cave on a mile high mountain, more than half of marriages ends in divorce.

Internally focused relationships are not an excuse for us to be selfish, self-involved or self-centered. Having a conscious relationship with self is difficult work and is how we learn to live as adults in the world. This is how we come to understand the ways in which we have been shaped and influenced by the experiences and people from our past. This understanding is how we make decisions in the present about who we want close and who we need to keep at a distance; how we recognize the difference between people and situations that are good for us and those that are not.

Often we focus mainly on having good relationships with our family members, furry friends, community members, neighbors, colleagues, religious communities. These are important but they keep us externally focused. Being externally focused most of the time interferes with the lifetime job of self-knowledge. Internally focused relationships are how we develop and maintain a sense of who we are. Knowing who we are means we understand what we need which gives us the confidence to wait and not settle. 

• Not settling means that we have the patience to refrain from bouncing from one person to another because we fear being alone. 
• Not settling means that we have the strength to leave as soon as we realize that a relationship is moving toward being unhealthy. 
• Not settling means that we do not try to change, rescue or redeem anyone because we want to be yoked. 
• Not settling means we do not wait around hoping for change until the wrong relationship grows into one that is so damaging that we are left with scars, pain and emotional bandages once we finally walk away.

On the other hand, when we develop and care for our internal relationship, when we progress from childhood and take on the responsibility of adulthood, we find power that we never thought we had; power that belongs only to us.

• We have the power to share who we are with another without losing the sense of who we are. This means we can imagine life without fill in the name because we know that our life does not begin and end with one person or group of people. The whole process of grieving involves learning how to live your life when the person you loved is gone.

• We have the power to accept another into our lives without feeling as though we need to change the person into someone who mirrors us. This means that we are able to be with someone, love someone, commit to someone with all of their flaws, beauty, successes and failures; we can truly see the person we love as independent, on her own journey, with his own energy, values, passions and dreams. That kind of love is the biggest gift one can give to another.

You are not single. You have yourself. 

Recognize your relationship. 

Claim your relationship. 

Be in your relationship.

From my PowerLife to yours,

Elandus

Related Links: Constructing Your Living PowerLife Springboard 
 Your Living PowerLife Springboard--Spiritual

2012. All rights reserved.

PowerLife Love III: Ready. Set. Date!

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Those of you who have read past Living PowerLife blog posts know that toward the end of 2012, I decided to date again after several years. When I made this decision, I also made the commitment to use my Living PowerLife approach as a guide to deciding when and who to date. At the same time, I started the process of identifying some of the attributes that make me attractive. Consequently, this post covers more things to consider while making conscious choices about dating.


Once I took the time to heal and reclaim myself, recognizing that I was ready to reach out to new people was the logical next step. At first, my goal was to meet people, have fun and possibly start a few friendships. This is when I started taking tango lessons, singing with a chorus, and attending social events that looked interesting. 

Moving from meeting a few potential friends and deciding who to date, however, was more complicated. Even further, identifying some of my attributes that someone would find attractive was a new challenge that I took on with trepidation. I was challenged in new ways because of several reasons. Perhaps you will identify with some or all of the following.

1. I had never really taken the time to think about the kind of person—beyond the superficial— I wanted in my life as a lover/partner/spouse.
2. Because I had no concrete idea of who would be a good match for me, most of my adult life was spent recovering from break-ups rather than building a life with someone based on love, passion, compatibility, respect and trust.
3. I had little awareness of what made me a good lover/partner/spouse for another.
4. Because I had little understanding of what made me a good match for someone, my ability to make informed choices regarding dating was limited even more.

Start the way you want to end. Not wanting to simply recreate another version of my past with someone new meant that preparing to date again included following my mother’s advice. Growing up as a kid in Detroit, I have many memories of my mother advising me on how to have good relationships with people. She often told me that the best way to start a friendship is to begin the relationship the way I wanted to continue. 

I understood her to mean that I should start my relationships the way I wanted them to continue once the freshness was gone. With her words in mind, I began my search for more insight on dating by starting where I wanted to be. In other words, I began by defining the type of person and life I ultimately wanted. I did this in three layers:


First layer: I claimed my non-negotiable, unalterable terms (NUTs). During my daily reading, I ran across this acronym. NUTs are made up of the things that I either absolutely need to have, or absolutely cannot have in life to be happy. They are my personal code of ethics, creature comfort needs, culture, attitudes and basic beliefs. An example of one small creature comfort that I included here is that I need live plants in my home.


Second layer: informed by my NUTs, I completed this statement—the person I find attractive will… Here, I included concerns about type of lifestyle, day to day responsibilities, personal attitudes/beliefs, expectations, level of intimacy, etc. Here’s one way that I completed the statement. The person I find attractive will value honesty as much as I do.


Third layer: along with identifying my NUTs and the attributes of my ideal mate, I made a list of the things about me that I think are attractive to others. In other words, what makes me a compatible companion? One example from my list is that I strive to be honest with myself so that I can be honest with others.


You may wonder why it is important to consciously list the attributes that make you a good match for someone. There are several but the main reason is to gain useful information. With a basic understanding of what another would find charming about you, the information you have can be used while deciding when to date or keep dating a particular person.


For instance, while I do not have anything against one night stands or casual sex between consenting adults, this is not something that I want. Consequently, I would not consider myself attractive or a good date match for someone who wants to hook up. At the same time, I would be a good match for a person who wants a long-term, monogamous relationship ultimately.


In time, your lists will become more and more important as you make decisions about whether to date, start a friendship, or continue to date a particular person. Indeed, using your lists may even save you from heartache in the future. Just keep in mind to:

1. Remember who you are.
2. Accept who you are not.
3. Be authentic.
4. Have patience (with self and others).
5. Keep it classy.
6. Understand that a single life does not have to be a cursed life.
7. Do not rush yourself or another.
8. Never settle.

A WORD ABOUT HEARTACHE
If while completing your lists you find that your ex or someone you once loved keeps coming to mind, this is a sign to go back and take more time to heal from old heartaches. Also, if you realize that you keep comparing potential dates to someone from your past, you are still carrying a torch for that person. Take more time to extinguish that flame before you try to ignite another. This may include finding a good therapist. If so, you may be discouraged, but respect your process. In the long run, you will be glad because potential lovers will not be hurt by your rebound and future relationships will be stronger. 


Always remember that just a confidential email separates us. I am here for you.

From my PowerLife to yours,

 

Elandus

2012. All rights reserved.

PowerLife Love II: Friends or Lovers

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Friendship and dating are very similar to one another. They are two of many ways in which people interact with, demonstrate feelings for, and enjoy the company of one another. Both begin with some sort of attraction between two people. Yet they also have distinct differences. In addition, the meanings for friendship and dating have been expanded in recent years to include terms such as hang out, f--- buddies, hook up, or friends with benefits. 

This makes navigating the process of keeping friends and finding dates quite complicated. The need for individual clarity and honest communication become crucial because the risks can be anything from coming across as a socially awkward chump to losing your best friend. Never fail, there is hope. The Living PowerLife approach to happiness, well-being and clarity is as close as your computer. This means that you have a personal blueprint to gain the clarity that will help you navigate the sometimes choppy sea of human attraction.

There is no right or wrong way to understand either friendship or dating. Indeed, at first glance you may very well find that they seem more similar than different. When I first began thinking about what made friendship different from dating, I had the same challenge; I could not verbalize what made them different. This led me to take a different approach which was examining my expectations of each relationship. By looking at my expectations I could see that they changed based on whether I was with a friend or a date. From there I could see how friendship and dating differed to me. 

There are two main differences between friendship and dating. The differences are best illustrated through motivation and focus; what motivates us to engage one another, and where the majority of our attention is focused. Friendships are forged between people who are motivated to connect around a common activity—a hobby, community involvement, political agenda, cultural/social interest, etc. In other words, while there is an emotional aspect, the main motivation for a friendship is social. 
Some of the reasons why people seek friendships are to:  

1. Expand their social or professional connections.
2. Have companionship with a hobby.
3. Find support while experiencing a new challenge in life.

On the other hand, dates are initiated by people who are motivated to connect around a common need-find a lifelong mate, establish a family, have consistent intimacy, etc. In other words, while dating certainly has a social aspect, the main motivation for dating is emotional. Some of the reasons why people date are to: 

1. Find an exclusive partner.
2. Replace a lost lover.
3. Enjoy sexual excursions.
4. Fulfill community/family expectations.

     Just like motivation, the focus for friendship differs from dating as well. Friends are mainly focused on their common interests when they are together. For instance, I enjoy dancing as a hobby and have connected with people who have the same interest. My motivation to connect with them is social and my focus is dancing. 

Dates are mainly focused on another person. While each person may have a different emotional motivation for deciding to date (one may want regular sex while the other is responding to family/friends expectation to marry) the focus is the same—a person. Time spent dating is time used to get to know another person. Maybe meet the person’s friends or family members. Learn about what the other person likes or does not like.

     Another way to determine the difference between friendship and dating is through standards. Often, without even realizing, our standards for a relationship are based on whether we are friends or dating. For instance, I have more room for seemingly incompatible religious beliefs or political affiliations with my friends than with a love interest. Indeed, I often seek out friendships with people who have different political views because I find that our conversations are more interesting. With my dates, however, I would prefer someone closer to my views. I developed this preference because I have found that couples with very different religious or political views tend not to last. Since I know that dating for me is a precursor to becoming a couple (after time), dating someone with greatly opposing views does not make sense.
     
 As you continue your Living PowerLife Love Interrogation, think about what friendship and dating mean in your life. Consider your motivation and focus. Explore how your standards and expectations change based on the type of relationship. Think about why you change. Write down these differences as they come up. Then use the clarity you gain from consciously exploring your feelings to inform how you decide when to date and who to date.

ABOUT PASSION

As you think about what friendship and dating mean to you, try to identify exactly how you react when you are romantically attracted to someone. This is important because once you understand how you function when your interests are romantic, you will be able to do two things. First, you will be able to recognize what you are feeling. Thereby being overcome by emotion (without making the conscious choice) will be less likely. Second, recognizing your feelings, will allow you to put them into context. Context will make managing your feelings easier.

One quick real-life example: when I am romantically attracted to someone I get STUPID. I behave stupidly—sentence structure is nonexistence, tongue grows to three times its size, brain works intermittently, ears hear what the heart wants only and eyes become blind to the very useful RED FLAGS. Because I now know this about myself, I can recognize where I am emotionally, remember the fallout from past decisions when I felt the same way, and pull back until I am once again able to think, act and feel at the same time.

From my PoweLife to yours,

Elandus

2012. All rights reserved.