PowerLife Love I: Steps to Success

First time here? Visit my New Visitors page to catch up.

__________________________________________ This year started with me making the decision to open my life to the possibility of dating. I made my decision without having any particular person in mind; I simply knew it was time for me to get back into the social scene. Consequently, I have made the choice to date and to apply what I know from following the Living PowerLife approach to health, well-being, and happiness to my new adventure.

In retrospect, part of coming to the point in my life when I could make the conscious choice to date involved refraining from dating indefinitely. For several years after leaving my long-term relationship, I resisted the temptation to look for a replacement for what I thought I had lost. Not dating meant that I had to face and overcome my fears of abandonment and solitude. I had to become comfortable with my own company and be able to pursue my own interests without the companionship of others. Extrovert that I am, you have no idea how difficult this was. 

One of the benefits of becoming comfortable with solitude and my own company was realizing that I had never consciously defined the type of love relationship I wanted in my life. Instead, I had drifted from one relationship to another, making commitments that I wanted to keep but ultimately could not because we were wrongly matched from the start.

Years later and with the lessons learned from four breakups, I finally understood three major things. First, there is no such thing as love at first sight, only lust on initial impression. Second, there is no such thing as a soul mate, only people who are capable of love. Third, there is no such thing as a perfect partner, only companions in your life journey.

Determined to end the seemingly perennial cycle that began with me falling into wrongly matched courtships, which led to desperately made commitments, and then ended in failed relationships, I decided to apply the Living PowerLife approach while creating space for rightly matched people in my life. Thus, the Living PowerLife Love Interrogation was developed.  

The love interrogation is not unlike some of the exercises done when first starting the Living PowerLife approach. Consequently, reviewing the Constructing Your Living PowerLife Springboard post might be helpful at this point. Just as exploring particular questions for insight into your life in general helped to bring clarity about where to direct your focus for positive change, so does the love interrogation help to develop clarity which then leads to confidence as an adult open to love from another. 

My Living PowerLife Love Interrogation examines the social experience that I call dating. If you do not like this word, feel free to substitute another that best describes your affaires de l'amour.


LIVING POWERLIFE LOVE INTERROGATION

1. What do I mean by the word dating (or your word substitution)?
2. What is the difference between dating and friendship?
3. Why am I dating?
4. Who do I want to date?
5. What makes me a good date?
6. What undermines my appeal?
7. How can I enhance my appeal?
8. How will I choose to date a particular person rather than another?
9. Where would I be most likely to meet people I want to date?
10. How will I process rejection?

My next few posts will explore at least one love question in more detail. Today we are  starting with the first.

What do I mean by dating?

As I thought, asked other people, and read I came to the conclusion that dating can mean anything from let's explore a common interest together to let's plan to get married, and everything between. A couple dating in their 20's might have a very different understanding of the word than a couple in their 60's.

The broad range of choices makes defining your own terms imperative.Taking the time in the beginning to clear your head and your heart about what you are doing and why will help you to avoid misunderstandings or hurt feelings later. In addition, potential dates will appreciate your clarity and confidence.The following is how I responded to the first love question.

First, a date is an event that is specified. In other words, if I do not specifically ask someone out, and that person does not accept my invitation, whatever we are doing is not a date. Second, a date is how I hope to get to know someone. I see this as a time to have fun; maybe even try something new. This is when I share some of the things that I do for entertainment. This is also when I am interested in what is entertainment to my date. 

Third, I do not expect to get into deep conversations about personal history, feelings, or past relationships. In other words, while on a date, I am not going to bare my soul and I will not expect my date to either. Fourth, I believe that we have a common interest that will help keep a conversation going between us for a few hours. Fifth, when I ask someone out, I expect to pay the bill--my idea, my responsibility. This may seem old fashion today, but I prefer the word classy. It is classy to take care of the logistics for an evening that I want to experience. 

Since we are near the topic, a bit on what I mean by classy and why I am including the word here. Not too long ago, I saw a short video of Bill O'Riley's commentary on staying classy. I liked what he had to say, and the more I thought the more I remembered my father. Now, he was a classy man. 

I remembered how much I admired my dad and how secure I felt when he was around. I still miss his gracious manner and refined ways. Then I thought, there is no reason why I cannot increase the class in my life. No reason why I cannot increase my graciousness and refinement. So, in true Living PowerLife fashion, I started by defining what being classy meant to me. Here is what I have to date. My thoughts are framed in she/her language but the application is gender neutral. 

Someone is classy when she finds a way to be polite in almost every situation. Classy is respectful and calm. Classy is grateful and reserve. Classy is consistent and confident. Classy is loyal. Classy has nothing to do with money or social status. Classy is who a person is or is not.

Think about one word you would use to describe your social experience of pursuing potential (emphasis on potential) love relationships. Once you have your word, answer the questions and remain open for your answers.

From my PowerLife to yours,

Elandus

2012 All rights reserved.

  

PowerLife Love:Dating

First time here? Visit my New Visitors page to catch up.

__________________________________________ My mother, may she rest in peace, always said that people should not be allowed to marry until after 40 and by then they'll have better sense. She always got laughs whenever she said this and while I always appreciated her humor, I cannot agree with her assumption; people become wiser with age. I have met many people under 40 with great wisdom and maturity. At the same time, I have met people over 40 with the maturity of a toddler. I do believe, though, that my mother was on to something. Before we can think about finding a life-long mate, we need to take the time to know who we are whether the age is 18, 82 or anything between.


My love history includes two heterosexual marriages and two same gender relationships. The shortest was my first marriage which lasted 8 months. The longest was 15 years. Through them all, I was monogamous until the end. There were things that I liked about each person, and more things that I did not like. I am not in contact with anyone from my past relationships, which gives you an idea about how they all ended--not so well. 

I share this about myself because I am now thinking about dating again, and the Living PowerLife approach has helped me prepare. While before I would mostly let relationships happen to me and then hope for the best, today I expect to be intentional and knowledgeable. Intentional about who I allow into my life and knowledgeable about the kind of people who are good for me. Before exploring dating, though, let's review.

Beginning the Living PowerLife approach to health and well-being includes taking an objective assessment of where you are, who is important to you, where your attention and energy are focused, and how you feel. To do this means that you broaden your scope to examine your relationships, living habits, and diet. This is how to gain insight into what you have expected out of life in the past. With the new insight, you then narrow your scope to focus on yourself.  Think of a spotlight, you and a stage. The spotlight is your attention and the stage holds everything/one that is important to you. 

With Living PowerLife first, widen the light so that you can see the entire stage. In this light, you look at your past and present relationships and try to understand some of what they reveal about you. Second, narrow the light so that you see only yourself.When the light is on you, past hurts, accomplishments, and the emotions behind them come forward. Both lights have information about how you really feel about yourself, and how those feelings affected the decisions you have made. The entire process ends with you knowing who you are, accepting that person, and understanding where you want to go in the future. From there you accept yourself completely and start to make new decisions about how you want to live. 

Living PowerLife involves recognizing what makes you afraid, and facing those fears. All of the work until now has been personal and involved you alone. To prepare for dating, means that it is time to widen your focus again. It is time to broaden the spotlight so that it lights up your new stage. If you are like me, your stage may be smaller with fewer people and less clutter on it. You probably feel a little anxious about meeting new people and experiencing the rejection that sometimes comes with dating. On the other hand, you should feel much more confident about what you want, where you are going, and comfortable with your own company. This is power.

One day during one of my daily reading times, I ran across an article written to help people who wanted to stop thinking about an ex. The author suggested sitting down with pen and paper and making a good riddance list--all the things you will no longer have to put up with now that your ex is gone. You make the list by completing the sentence, no more... I gave it a try. While thinking about my most recent ex, I started a list. I was surprised by how effective this little doddle was. 

Some of the items were funny, and some not so much. Some were painful to remember. Some were even a surprise because as I wrote, more came to mind. All in all, in less than 30 minutes I had listed over 60 items on my good riddance list. Then I wondered how this could work in reverse. I put together a welcome here list for when I started to date again. My welcome here list is made up of all the attributes I want people in my life to have or appreciate. For instance, a person who appreciates direct communication is an item on my welcome here list. 

Are you ready to start working on your welcome here list? Get out a pen and notebook and finish this sentence; some more... List all of the attitudes, attributes, habits, likes, interests, hobbies, and talents that you want people to increase in your life. For example, one item on my list completes the sentence this way--some more laughter. Once you have completed your list, go back and read what you have. This is where you will start to identify the kind of people you want want to date. 

Remember, date with power.

From My PowerLife to Yours,

  Elandus

I especially want to thank my family as I take Living PowerLife into a new year. You have made my life richer, safer, and more loving than I could ever have imagined. Much respect.

2012. All rights reserved.





 

A New PowerLife Year: 2013

First time here? Visit my New Visitors page to catch up.

__________________________________________ On the last day of 2012 I was reading the last chapter of Octavia E. Butler's, Parable of the Sower. Sometimes I reread the books of authors whose words were instrumental in my life. Butler is one of those authors. Stephen King is another. Rereading teaches me more about myself. For example, reading Butler with the wisdom of a 30 year old engendered different reactions in me than today. Comparing the difference gives more insight. During my first read, I remember being captivated by Butler's imagination and skill in character development. This time, as I closed her book from my second read, I realized that I was deeply and profoundly touched by the woman's ability with words. How I understand my different reactions is the theme for this post: connection through knowledge and acceptance of self.

Over the past 12 months, I learned just how empowering letting go of bad habits, negative people, and unhealthy food can be. Indeed, the bulk of my posts last year were about sharing what I experienced and learned while eliminating connections that were not good for me. One thing that became obvious early on was that refraining from efforts to stay connected--whether mentally, spiritually or physically--to things and people who were familiar and, thus comfortable to some extent, forced me to face myself with all of my fears, strengths, talents, and shortcomings. 

This meant that I took a 12 month long look in a mirror at myself. My mirror was not distorted by distractions such as anger, blame, revenge, self-pity or denial. The results were I lost my connection to many things and people and gained awareness of the intact me. I now know me. I accept me. I respect me. In addition, I realize that using most of my energy in efforts to foster unhealthy connections is what led me to feel isolated and alone. I was isolated from myself which meant that I could not feel the presence of another. I was alone while surrounded by things and people because I had not done the work necessary to know me. Since I did not know me, I could not know another.

Here is a real-life example that I hope will bring clarity. Earlier in this post I shared that Stephen King was another author who was instrumental in my life. King is a master story teller and, as a person who preferred reading non-fiction, I always admired his ability to keep me engaged throughout his books. Even though, there was a time in my life when, after reading everything that King published, I felt that I could not read his books. Consequently, I stopped reading him for years, and never really analyzed, until now, why. 

At the time of my hiatus from King, the only explanation that I could offer myself and others was that King's stories were written so well that I was drawn in to the point where I was not comfortable. In other words King, the man, had the ability to deeply and profoundly touch me with his words and I ran like a rabbit from the threat of such intimacy. For you see, as long as I could contain my reactions to King's writing to the intellectual I felt safe. The second that my reactions were deeper, beyond intellectual, I could not withstand the connection. 

In retrospect, running from the possibility of true intimacy which freed me from feeling the presence of another was how I lived my life. People who were also avoiding intimacy and awareness of others were who I drew to me and with whom I became entangled. In addition, fear of intimacy is what kept me from taking that long, clear look at my reflection so that I could consciously build the connection that I so craved; self-knowledge.

With the start of the new year, I have now begun reading a new, to me, book of Butler's--Kindred. I do not remember reading this particular novel of hers and I am very interested in experiencing how the woman will touch me this time. I expect her touch will be just as profound as before. The difference is I am not afraid of the possibility. I am also excited about learning how the author uses her skills to craft this story. 

With the start of my new year, I find the welcome connection between my emotions and intellect to be empowering rather than frightening as before. This makes me happy about the new year, and open to what future experiences and people will bring. While I am not actively seeking a love relationship, I will not put on my bunny ears and hop away if the opportunity presents. Indeed, in place of seeking to fill the void that I felt from my lack of self-knowledge with another relationship, I am continuing to invest in my health, well-being, and personal development.  

For instance, this year I look forward to continuing my tango lessons with Queer Tango Boston. I will also continue to develop a healthy body, mind and spirit by following the Living PowerLife approach to health and happiness. Part of successfully fulfilling these goals and more will be to define and refine my butch identity. To date, I have found A. James' One Butch Gentleman blog to be a good resource. For the record, I love the term butch gentleman and officially claim it to describe myself. Reading James' blog led me to a second resource, The Art of Manliness.The information about the use of calling cards again and social etiquette is refreshing and informative.

Here's wishing you and me a healthy, prosperous, loving, powerful, and peaceful 2013. Thank you for reading my blog, and for the comments you have shared with me. I especially want to thank my family as I publish my first blog post for the year. You have made my life richer, safer, and more loving than I could ever have imagined. Much respect.

Look for more from me as I continue to claim my power in my life and to encourage you to claim your power in yours.

From My PowerLife to Yours,
 

Elandus

 2012. All rights reserved. 

To the PowerLife Butches and Studs

First time here? Visit my New Visitors page to get started.

________________________________________

This is for butch and/or stud women and those who love us. Butch women claim power by overtly challenging society's gender expectations. We are women who--without apology--dress, sit, love, walk, talk, work, and play counter to what society deems acceptable for females. Women who are strapped, wrapped, hung, and happiest when we face life on our own terms. We can be found in every corner of the world and that makes us global. The theme for this post is uniquely together in power at the edge of the gender line.

In a world where technology allows us to know the sex of our babies before birth, change our sex as adults after birth, and anonymously explore our fantasies through the Internet or private clubs, we are free to avoid the effects of not fitting neatly into one of society’s gender categories. 

For instance, as parents if we prefer sons over daughters, we can avoid facing our motives through a quick ultrasound. If we are uncomfortable living as a man, we can avoid understanding why with hormones. If we enjoy unconventional sex we can avoid thinking about what this means through videos, chat rooms, and private communities. 

Often, as so many take advantage of the freedom to align how we look with how we feel and the expectations of society, those of us who choose to live on the edge of the male/female gender categories become invisible. Often, those of us whose very presence reveals the fact that how we look and how we feel is counter to society’s expectations are ostracized. 

For example, the fact that butch women are easy targets for people who need scapegoats for their feelings of insecurity is seldom addressed. The reality that butch women are economically penalized because they do not look the part is under recognized. Butch women are sometimes even avoided by women who do not want to be labeled as lesbian, which is a form of homophobia that is often ignored. 

Because of these reasons and more I write. I write to bring my power to life by reclaiming my butch/stud identity. I write to acknowledge the butch woman who took me under her wing and showed me how to swagger. I write to atone for the time, brief though it was, when I avoided the effects of my connection to the butch community by yielding to pressure to femme up.

During my yielding time, I discarded my handmade pipe. Gave away my ties, cufflinks, and dress shirts. Traded in my tailored suits for Land's End women's slacks, and replaced my comfy dress socks with Knee Highs. I exchanged the men's shoes that fit like a glove for women's that either confined my foot like a vise-grip plier or flopped like a bedroom shoe.  

Yes, there was a time when my own actions revealed that I wanted to avoid facing the fact that I did not neatly fit into one of society's gender roles. I betrayed my butch community; I denied an integral part of me. This became crystal clear a few days ago as I prepared to attend my first lesbian dance as a single butch woman. I was getting dressed and fumbling around with tying my tie (my skills in this area had become rusty from lack of use) when a woman from my past came to mind. 

This was the first time that I had thought about her in years and her memory stopped me in mid-tie. Then a smile came to my face as I realized that I was currently feeling a little like I felt when this woman was in my life. It was the early 1990's and I was preparing to attend my first dance as an out lesbian. I guess you could say that I was a baby butch back then. The woman I remembered was the one who took me to get my first butch outfit; she was my butch mentor for my first dance.

Chuckling to myself in present time, and still fumbling with tying my tie, I remembered the past and how excited I was as I followed my mentor into the men's clothing department. I felt totally lost, and expected someone to yell Hay! Get out of here and get back to the women's section where you belong with each item of clothing that I considered. My mentor took me under her wing and helped me figure out what I needed to know. 

Standing in front of my mirror, having finally tied a decent knot in my tie, I suddenly remembered that I never thanked her for being my mentor. I also realized what butch/stud community can be and is. At that point in time, we were uniquely together as she demonstrated for me how to claim and live butch power. She showed me how to swagger through the world without apology. Together we met at the edge of the male/female gender categories, and she took my hand so that I could take my next step. I will always be grateful for that.

Today, the world is very different from the time when I first came out. In many countries we have same gender marriage; our country is trying to catch up state by state. The butch community is becoming more organized, through the work of groups like Butch Voices, and others. We even have clothing designers who cater to the needs of butch style.  

Part of me misses the time when I was a baby butch. There was a certain excitement that came with the newness of it all. I remember when I put on my first suit, for instance, and how happy I was. At the same time, part of me is happy to be right where I am today--unafraid of feeling my power, comfortable with expressing my needs, and excited about renewing my connection with butch community.

Merry Christmas,

Elandus

2012. All rights reserved.

A PowerLife Holiday Season

First time here? Visit my New Visitors page to catch up.

_________________________________________
'Tis the season for family, food, friends, and fun, unless you are at odds with family, overwhelmed by financial obligations, isolated socially, and distracted from joy by feelings of sadness or loss. Ads on television, radio, and Internet show us ways to be happy and to buy big holiday presents with big holiday discounts. Most of our waking time is bombarded by bells, music, and laughter as we rush from store to store checking one item after another off our holiday to do list. The temptation is to eat too much exercise too little, and excuse behavior that we would not otherwise. This is the time to remember the basics of the Living PowerLife approach to health and well-being. Consequently, the theme for today's post is stick with the basics.

One thing that I have learned without doubt while researching and developing Living PowerLife is that the closer we get to happiness, health, and peace the stronger negativity and opposition can seem. Knowing this is important to successfully face and overcome obstacles as they arrive. When we accept the premise that opposition is an opportunity to become stronger and that negativity is a revelation that shows we are closer to our goals, we are not thrown off balance by unexpected problems or bad behavior. Instead, we are inspired and energized. As has become my custom with these posts, I will provide a real-life example for this. 

This example happened a few days after Thanksgiving. I was still enjoying the peace and happiness that my family and I shared while preparing and eating Thanksgiving dinner. We had arranged the day so that we had ample time to talk and spend time together. The food tasted good and was good for the body. The result was that none of the discomfort that comes with eating and drinking too much was present. Thanksgiving day, we were three generations together laughing, joking, and sharing. The day and evening felt warm and wonderful.

The next day, we had an unexpected visit from a family friend that was not as warm or pleasant. Without going into great detail, suffice it to write that the person brought negativity and disrespect through the door. The visit could have ended with these negative feelings overshadowing the good from Thanksgiving because an argument could easily have ensued. Instead, we stuck with the basics, and made the conscious decision to refrain from giving the behavior much energy. The person left after several efforts to engender animosity failed. I used sage to clear our space from the visit. 

It is possible to live your power in your life even when faced with obstacles that come through the presence of others or our own behavior. As the season continues into the new year, remember to keep yourself hydrated with water. Try to get at least 6 hours of sleep every night. Stick to your regular eating habits as much as possible, and think about how your body will react to what you eat and drink. When confronted with difficult behavior from your friends or colleagues, try to make the conscious decision to turn away from their negativity. If necessary, remove yourself from the environment. 

Maintaining your balance and health is important if for no other reason than only you will live with the effects. Have a wonderful. peaceful, loving holiday season.

From my PowerLife to Yours,

 

 Elandus

2012. All rights reserved.




 
 

PowerLife 101: Gender is Secondary

First time here? Visit my New Visitors page to catch up.

______________________________

October is domestic violence (DV) awareness month, and this morning as I followed my usual routine, I ran across this video: Fox News DV awareness month Interview.  As I watched, My initial reactions were the information was well covered, and I applauded the people involved with helping to bring public awareness to DV. Later, though, a deeper reaction sunk in; I felt invisible. Before developing and following the Living PowerLife approach to health and wellness, I probably would have ignored my deeper reaction. I would have gone about my day and pushed those feelings deep inside; made them invisible to my consciousness. Now, I address my feelings head on and this post is the result. The theme is power through transparency.


I am a DV survivor. I have been for over 10 years, and most people who are, or have been, acquainted with me would not know. This is something that I kept hidden from most people and away from my own scrutiny. Even as a minister and counseling people who were living with DV, I kept the fact that I lived the same way hidden. I kept it hidden from others, but most important, I kept it hidden from myself. I did this because of many reasons, most of which fall under shame or fear categories. 

SHAME AND FEAR: In the past, I was ashamed of the fact that I allowed someone whom I loved to verbally, emotionally, and economically abuse me. My shame came from the fact that I knew from my education, professional experience, and common sense that what she was doing was wrong. Still, deep down inside I believed that I deserved no better treatment. This belief came from being told for decades that I was not good enough. In addition, I was afraid of being alone. I equated being single with personal deficiency. I was afraid of recognizing my DV status. I did not know what changes that recognition would bring in my life.

POWER THROUGH TRANSPARENCY: Today I live my life with as much transparency as safety allows because I believe this is how we give power and gain power. We give power by letting people who are struggling with similar challenges know they are not alone. We give power by showing people what we have learned from our own struggles. We gain power by facing life head on, with no dodges, no denials, and no distractions. The process of facing our problems and challenges head on teaches us where we are strong and where we need to improve.

This is why, when I found myself feeling invisible after watching the interview, I decided to write about my personal experience. You see, the interview focused on male/female relationships. This means that the information discussed was based on the assumption that in DV relationships, men were usually the offenders and women were the survivors. My relationship was same gender. People like me were not visible. Because of this, I write that gender is secondary in DV. 

DV is how one person gets, maintains, and misuses control over another. The size, background, gender, orientation, religious persuasion, economical status, education, profession, race, ethnicity, ... are all secondary. DV is about one person violating another. The violation can be as obvious as rape or as subtle as gently stroking where you do not want to be touched. DV is about one person isolating another.  The isolation can be as difficult as losing contact with your family or as easy as quitting your job. 

If you are in a relationship where you feel as though you have little control in your life, where your resources are being systematically eliminated from your life, where your options are decreasing rather than increasing it is time to talk and examine the dynamics of that relationship. 

Remember, you deserve only the best. Stay safe.

From my PowerLife to Yours,

2012. All rights reserved. 

PowerLife 101: Your Friends. Right Or Wrong For You?

First time here? Visit my New Visitors page to get started.

______________________________

Here you will read about some common human behavior. Understanding them will help you determine the quality of the relationships that you value in your life. The examples are not exhaustive. Instead, they are a place to start. Examining your relationships in the light of how people behave toward one another is an important step toward getting the best out of the Living PowerLife approach to health and happiness.The theme for this post is health through honesty.

You will be surprised, as was I, by just how much you will learn about yourself and what motivates you when you honestly consider each relationship that you value and why. When I first completed this step, I started with a shorter list of examples. As I progressed, I added more. I suspect you will do the same. For brevity, I have three main categories to get you started: A) People who find the discomfort of others entertaining. B) People who need to be with us to be real. C) People who gossip. I chose these three because most of our destructive behavior such as physical/mental/spiritual abuse, cheating, or lying fall under at least one.

Also Included are real-life examples from past relationships. I do not blame or want to embarrass anyone, so I have taken great pain not to reveal the identities of the people in my real-life examples.

Along with your list of behaviors, another way to determine the value of your relationships is to take an honest look at how you are when you are with each person. If you like how you feel, and how you behave when you are with them, try to identify why this is the case. Conversely if you do not like how you feel, or how you behave when you are with them, try to determine why. Understanding the why is where you will gain more knowledge about what motivates you to act. Understanding why will also reveal how healthy a particular relationship is for you.

 Physical/Mental/Spiritual Abuse

The first group is people who find demeaning others pleasurable. I call them potential, or actual, abusers because on some level they enjoy hurting others. 

Some of the people who use this type of humor like to call it dark humor as defined on The Free Dictionary website. For our purposes, dark humor becomes destructive when people laugh at the pain, discomfort, or isolation of those considered as outsiders. One real-life example  that I can offer for this happened in a social setting where everyone appeared to be jovial and at ease except me. 

I was attending a social event made up of about 8-10 men and women. I remember feeling very uncomfortable and was confused because everyone there was laughing, talking, and seemed to be having a very good time. It was not until I started really listening for themes in the conversation, that I realized why I felt so uncomfortable. The conversation for most of the night consisted of one person sharing rude and crude remarks about conservatives, church goers, people from the 'wrong' side of town, or anyone who was not part of their group. Each comment or story was followed by hearty laughs and little digs from the rest. 

My discomfort came from the fact that I felt pressured to go against my inclination and join in laughing and poking fun at people viewed as others. Perhaps a younger and weaker me would have ignored my discomfort and joined in the behavior. However, that was the beginning and the end of my social contact with them.

Cheaters

The second group is people who believe that they cannot be themselves unless they are around us. I see these people as potential or actual cheaters, because they hide or show who they are and what they think based on who they are with. 

The first time that I encountered this puzzling behavior was at least 10 years ago. Because I was reared in an ethnically blended family, I was an adult before I first encountered affinity groups. These are groups of people who come together around a common political or ideological platform. Affinity groups can also form around racial affiliation. This particular real-life example illustrates my experience with the us vs them mentality and a connection to cheating.

I was attending a conference that was made up of racially diverse women. There was a break-out session for people who wanted to meet as a subgroup they called people of color (POC). Not ever feeling the need for this, and because my outsider's view was judgmental, I decided to attend based on the fact that I fell in their POC category. I wanted to see what happened in these meetings. I wanted to learn about why so many people needed these spaces. I wanted to see if my outsider's view was correct.

The discussion topic, interestingly, was about why POC meetings were important. When I heard this, I came to attention and prepared to take lots of mental notes. My disappointment grew as each person shared their thoughts, and I felt even more perplexed. While I cannot include personal thoughts shared by any particular individual, I can give an example that was used to explain the feelings in general.The comfort level that many people had while in POC settings was described as one where shoes and pantyhose could be taken off and no one would be offended. 

I was surprised, and immediately felt even more out of place. First, I did not wear pantyhose. Second, I considered it poor etiquette to take off my shoes, let alone my underwear, in a meeting. Third, I could not understand why POC meant that general privacy or courtesy standards no longer applied. Fourth, being in a setting where 30 to 40 people took off their underwear was not something that I wanted to experience. Fifth, and for me most important, I wondered how anyone could trust members of a group who hid who they really were from the rest of society. During the entire discussion, the underlying tone was of us vs them where the us believed that they could not be authentic in the presence of the them because... The why was never made clear to me.

Liars

Group three is people who gossip. I see these people as potential or actual liars because they spread information about others without knowing if what they spread is true. 

Gossip is a behavior that is commonly indulged in our culture. The print and Internet media have gossip columns and entire television programs are built around spreading gossip about celebrities. So many exist because so many are interested. Indeed, some people are so involved in getting or finding tidbits on their neighbors or other people that they have trouble taking care of their own responsibilities and relationships. The following is a real-life example of how people use gossip to ostracize others, distract attention from their own wrong doing, or to harm the good reputation of someone.

At one time in my life, I was affiliated with a person (I am going to label this person leader. I am also going to use the pronouns they, them, or their instead of he/she, him/her) who, to outsiders appeared to be quiet, self-deprecating, righteous, and passionate for defending the oppressed. On first meeting leader, I was very impressed and happy about the prospect of being under leader's tutelage (I was a student at the time and somewhat naive about people). 

It was not long before I was part of leader's inner circle. Once part of that group, though, I began to see a different-real side of leader. This side was abusive, dishonest, very insecure, manipulative, vulgar, and demanding. Anyone who questioned their authority was quickly and firmly slapped down. The stage was set for the two of us to part ways. That time came when leader unexpectedly fired someone within the inner group. 

This person was there before me, and leader gave no information about why the person was gone. I knew that there had been tension between leader and the person fired, but did not know why. I did not want to know details, but I was also not comfortable with behaving as though the fired person had never existed. I needed the time, space, and guidance to process the loss of someone who had become my friend and colleague. Consequently, I met with leader to voice my needs. This is where I learned that gossip can be much more than a silly behavior engaged in by small-minded people with little excitement in their lives. 

Leader told me that they had first hand knowledge about the person they fired. Leader said that they could not talk about the secret knowledge because they gained it during a confidential conversation. Leader said that what they knew illustrated the fact that the person fired was unethical and unfit for the position they had. I had no way of knowing how true leader's accusations were, and really did not want to know details about the decision. 

As a student, I went to leader with a need for help to process an unexpected change, a need for space to incorporate that change into my growth process. My need was ignored and overshadowed by leader's defensive, self-serving response. Yes, leader failed as a mentor, but what I got instead was far more useful in the long run. What I got was a lesson in just how easy people can use the cloak of confidentiality or anonymity to spread damaging gossip about anyone they see as a threat. 

Why Bother?

This is important because the energy you keep around you and send out to others is the same energy that you invite into your personal life. Making an assessment of the relationships that you value most is difficult. You may realize that people you love, trust, or feel you cannot live without are actually not good for you. You may learn that you behave in destructive ways in your efforts to keep certain relationships. While difficult, the assessment is also a crucial part of living your power in your life. Once you go through this process, you will come out on the other side stronger, more confident, and more able to see where you are either being true to yourself or letting yourself down.

From my PowerLife to yours,

Elandus

2012. All rights reserved.