Thursday, September 6, 2012

PowerLife Living: Swimining Uncharted Waters

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Recently, I have noticed several changes that I can share at this time. I cannot indicate whether these changes are negative or positive. They simply have occurred. Because I am following the Living PowerLife approach to better living exclusively and because I did not expect what has happened, the changes that I have noticed are important insight for anyone who is working to incorporate this approach into a healthier life. The overall theme of this post is continuing into the unknown.

For the majority of my adult life, I have engaged in consistent meditation. I first used meditation to recognize and try to understand some of the difficulties in the relationship that I had with my mother. At the time, I knew that she loved me, and there was no terrible abuse in my childhood. At the same time, though, I knew there was tension between us. 

Tension that I wanted to come to terms with so that I would not pass it on to my daughters. Meditation was how I succeeded. Meditation was key to learning that the relationship between my mother and me was, to use a Facebook description, complicated. This was also how I came to terms with the fact that parents often have difficulties in their relationships with their children.

Today, I have noticed that I cannot meditate the way that I have for most of my life. Every day, at my usual meditation time, I fall asleep at the beginning of my routine instead. The first few times, I thought that I was tired, but several weeks have gone by with the same result; I start my meditation routine only to awaken about 30 minutes later. Right now, I am not sure what to make of this.

In addition, I do not remember my dreams the way that I did. One consistency of sleep was that I remembered vivid dreams upon awakening. Maybe a few days would pass when I did not remember a dream, but that was not often. Constant dream recall was why I started keeping a dream log years ago. Not a person to believe in coincidence, I instinctively saw dream recall as a tool. 

Going back and reading my dream log was when I realized that there was useful insight into myself. This discipline helped me navigate very difficult emotional times in the past. However, today my dream recall consists of impressions or snapshot images at best. Most mornings I have no memory of dreaming at all.

Other than the fact that I miss being able to meditate, and I find sleep boring without remembering my dreams, I feel fine. Emotionally/mentally, I am the happiest and most focused than I have been for a long time. I do not have the feeling that someone, or something is missing in my life. I am not more invested in pleasing others than taking care of my needs. I feel good about my future.

Not remembering my dreams could mean that my subconscious is finished incorporating the new information that I was consciously accepting. If so, that is good and means an old chapter in my life is closed and a new one is beginning. I find not being able to meditate puzzling, though, and do not have any thoughts about why this is the case.

I do remember that when I first started meditating, letting my mind wander uncensored was difficult. I also remember that I would fall asleep when I meditated in bed, which is why I sit. In the past, I stopped meditating for short periods. In retrospect, each time that I decided to stop, I was drawn into to destructive waters. Since I did not decide to stop meditating, I am not sure what is coming next.

Only time will tell what all these changes mean. Only time will tell if I will start back remembering dreams and be able to meditate again. Right now, I am in uncharted waters. I do know that nothing is coincidental, and my assessments tell me that I am still moving in a good direction.

From my PowerLife to yours,

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